Heather Has Two Mommies...

...and the three of them go to the Zoo Rainforest Education Center together

a children's book sponsored by the Massachusetts Institute of Appropriate Inclusivity (formerly "Political Correctness" until that term was co-opted by the white power elite as a tool for attacking multiculturalism).
Elephant hunting at the zoo with a Nikon 300/2.8 AF lens (comes in its own suitcase; costs and weighs about as much as a good used car). Crystal Spirit Wolfrunner, one of Heather's mommies, took Heather on a photo safari to the zoo rainforest education center one day. There were a lot of people crowding around the animals because it was Memorial Day weekend. Crystal, a woperson of noncolor, doesn't like to wait on line because she is a little bit bitchy patience-challenged.

"How come you are so mean, mommy?" Heather asked.

"Don't say 'mean', Heather; I prefer 'aggression-enhanced.'" Crystal corrected. "It is probably because I used to be a man's girlfriend, er... unpaid sex worker. Actually, the best term to use is probably acquaintance rape survivor."

"How come that man next to us has such a big lens," Heather asked. "Is he sexually inadequate?"

"Remember not to be judgmental, Heather," Crystal replied. "Just because a white oppressor has a lens that costs and weighs more than a used car, that doesn't mean he is performance-challenged."

Polar bear. "That polar bear is really lazy, Mommy."

"Just as all lifestyles and all people are equally good, so are all animals. Try to put aside the shackles of the phallocentric Dead White European Male indoctrination that you get in school. The bear might just be a tad energetically-challenged. You haven't seen him in his other moods.. Maybe he just finished reading a long book."

"Bears are illiterate!" Heather insisted.

Crystal slapped physically encouraged her. "Don't use that word. He might be alternatively schooled. He's not an ignoramus, just a knowledge-base nonpossessor."

"'Illiterate', 'alternatively schooled', whatever. He has body odor," Heather sniffed.

"That's only nondiscretionary fragrance."

Double Flamingo Gorilla lying on rock. "But mommy, aren't some animals superior to others?" Heather asked. "I mean some are a lot prettier than others."

"Of course not dear. They don't have any worms here," Crystal responded, "but here's an exhibit comparing the aesthetic qualities of the flamingo and the average MIT student. Can you even tell which is which?"

"Isn't the MIT student the one lying on the rock picking his nose?" Heather answered.

"Very good, darling. Now I'm sure you see that the world isn't quite as black & white (African-American & genetically oppressive) as the Republicans would have you believe."

Tiger drinking.  National Zoo.  Washington, D.C. Bobcat "When you grow up to be a womyn," Crystal began, "you'll definitely want to have a little kitty. Would be choose a striped one?"


"How about spotted?"


"What about the world's second-fastest land animal?"

"I don't want any cat. Want a doggy," Heather insisted.

"Why, Heather! Didn't we teach you that dogs are the traditional pet of the oppressive white male establishment? You just need a little kitten with a good appetite that will grow up to be big and strong."

"I want a pet with more than a 2-volt brain," Heather wailed. "Besides, cats are mean killers who wait for cute little birds."

A small bird in his nest of leaves. Snowy Owl. "I don't even understand why God created cats," Heather continued.

"Created? Where did you learn that," Crystal scowled.

"In my public school!"

"Don't you know that Creationism shouldn't be taught in public school?" Crystal asked.

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't scientifically proven, like everything else you are learning, e.g., "poor people are stupid, which is why they are poor; rich people are smart," "you will die if you smoke marijuana," "Internet is 80% pornography," "war is bad because it hurts people," "universities are ivory towers of intellectual inquiry," "the government is your friend," "tax increases [revenue enhancements] are good because they help teachers," "Bill Clinton is a great humanitarian."

"But I don't believe in evolution!" Heather insisted.

"Why not?" her mommy asked. "Didn't I introduce you to those nice MIT graduate students who explained it to you."

"They said we evolved from apes, but just looking at them, I could tell the process was far from complete."

Disneyland.  Los Angeles, California. Giraffe head. "You shouldn't be so obsessed with body shape," Crystal corrected. "All womyn, for example, are equally beautiful as they perform the unpaid work of social reproduction of the labor force. If you don't agree, you are a looksist."

"What's a looksist?"

Rhino Cougar.  National Zoo.  Washington, D.C. "Someone who believes that people look different," Crystal explained. "Take this rhino and cougar for example. One might look more wrinkled (differently smooth) than the other to your untutored eye, but after statistical species norming methods are employed they are just the same."

"What else can you do with statistical species norming methods?" Heather wondered.

"Oh, many, many things my dear..."

David and George.  Bethesda, Maryland. Wolf.  National Zoo.  Washington, D.C. "You can show that these two quadrupeds are equally good with children..."

Elephants photographed through grass, as though on safari Could this be Bambi? "... or that these two are the same weight."

Heather says she hopes you have learned something from this little book, that you didn't have to hop Kangaroo. from one section to another, that you didn't get into a fight Locked Horns. with your little brother Baby gorilla. or that if you did, you made up Gorilla babies hugging..

Thank you for visiting the zoo wildlife preservation center.

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